Life has been weird. I've been really depressed past couple of weeks--to the point I just don't want to exist. Not like I want to jump off a building or anything. I've just been tired of life in general, not feeling very hopeful, still grieving about Mark. Stupid.

So God encouraged me to take heart yesterday. Someone prayed for me at church, and I prayed for a freind, too. Then I went to a women's Bible study last night that was VERY encouraging. I went to the FaithCentre here in town this morning and had too much cofffee, but we were discussing "The Purpose Driven Life" and we talked a lot about the Bible and God. God blessed me with more of His word.

1 Peter 4:8 says "Above all else, love each other with fervent love; for love covers a multitude of sins."

As I pondered that verse, God was helping me to see that to love other Christians more fervently, I need to be praying more fervently first. I need to let His Holy Spirit lead me in earnest, caring prayer for people.

Today is Wednesday, May 14, 2008. I had a good day at work. I like working by myself and boss guy was in a good mood. Still, I struggled with negative and even some paranoid thinking today. I needed to turn my mind to thinking on and praising God--how He's helped me this far, and I'm pretty sure He's not going to drop me on my head. I need to be doing what He says in His word "taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ". I'm thinking more and more of moving--the price of gas is nuts. I don't live that far from work, but still I'm paying I think fifty dollars more a month for gas than I did last year at this time. I'm looking at a possibility of living at a place that is within walking distance of work. It would mean renting a room and not having a whole apartment anymore, but I don't care. I'm never home anyway. Last year, there were places available at this house in July--probably on account of students leaving. So I'm keeping my eye on it.

Today is Tuesday, May 13, 2008. I did something today that was off-color. Okay--it was dishonest. I was trying to keep under radar and I did, but it was childish and stupid. When is it okay to be dishonest? Sometimes it's necessary if you don't want to hurt someone else's feelings (no, that doesn't make your butt look fat). Or if you are a spy in the CIA. But that probably wouldn't be right to take a job where you lie for a living in the first place. No, my dishonesty today can't be wheedled around and excused before God. I need to confess to Him that I lied, and it was sin. I was worried as I returned to work today that someone would have said something in my abscence--not nice--and I'd have to deal with another talk with Mark. He's a good boss and doesn't try to come off like a--well, you know--something that I don't want to print here, being a Christian. Still, just like any employee/employer relationship, the less I have to talk with him the better. I definitely try to stay under his radar (no, my job has nothing to do with what I posted about here). My day went well, work wise. I was asked to work Sunday--which I will, and that's good. It makes up for the 50 dollars in bank fees for having insufficient funds last week (ouch). I'm going to deal with the dishonest thing I was talking about in the beginning now.

I had an exciting weekend and very brief vacation, it seems. My vacation was for 9 days, and I remember when it started, I was worried about being bored and not having enough to do. Now it's just about over--today is the last day. Back to the grind tomorrow. The women's retreat was fun and went well, but I'm still glad I chose to drive back home Friday night and come back Saturday morning. I went to morning prayer at SCAG for the first time in a long time today. I know God wants me to renew and be faithful to this commitment to pray Monday mornings. Really, unless I'm sick or the weather is bad to not be able to drive, there's no excuse why I can't be there. God has promised to bless me as I am faithful to pray with this group. I am also excited with an upcoming women's Bible study at SCAG. It will be on "becoming a woman of prayer" and will be using two books I already have--Stormie Omartian's "Power of a Praying Woman and "Power of a Praying Wife". They will also be using "Power of a Praying Parent" which I don't have yet. I'm looking forward to the cooking class tomorrow. I don't know how much I'll really learn and remember, but for me, the most important thing is the chance to fellowship and meet new people. I'm not sure what else I'm doing today. It's cold and rainy out, but I still don't want to just stay home. Maybe I'll drive to Altoona and shop a little.